Know Not Thyself
by serenphoria
Summary: No one knows Sasuke, least of all himself. / Sasuke's defection to the Sound /


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**Know Not Thyself**

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Sometimes, all it takes is a moment to define a man in the public eye. Sasuke's moment was his defection from Konoha. He was no longer "the last Uchiha survivor", nor Konoha's "number one rookie," but (as Sai deftly put) that "gutless traitor."

The betrayal rattled everyone involved, some more surprised than others, all disappointed. Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi...while they each understood Sasuke's motives differently, it was obvious to everyone (always in retrospect) what finally sent him running: Itachi came home.

Sakura could tell there was a storm brewing in Sasuke's mind when he woke up that day in the hospital. He had been found wanting and weak against his brother and heaving with every breath was that garish mark with a promise of power. She was only a little surprised when he knocked the apple out of her hands and not at all when he decided to leave.

Naruto, on the other hand, was struck completely dumb by the news. It was incomprehensible that Sasuke would so easily abandon the bonds Naruto himself had so painstakingly forged. He left with Shikamaru's crew that morning convinced that Sasuke had been hoodwinked and just needed to be reminded of what he was sacrificing. But when Sasuke kept running, even after both sides had dwindled to two, Naruto needed to hear from Sasuke himself: _why?_

_'My childish games with the Leaf is over. I need power to accomplish my objective.'_

And being a simple soul, Naruto believed Sasuke because Sasuke said so (and if Sasuke measures himself against power, then Naruto must become even more powerful to bring him back, he still thinks).

_'Everyone...they risked their lives for you. Do you think so little of your comrades?'_

Words couldn't reach Sasuke and so they fought and fought until the sky cried and Naruto was left heart-broken and confused. Was it just he who thought they were friends? Were not those bonds real?

That, for Sasuke, was exactly the problem.

_'Is it true that Itachi has returned and he's after Naruto?'_

He had barely processed the jounin's words before he had started running. But not to confront Itachi. Not to exact his revenge (he knew even then he wasn't ready), but to warn Naruto.

He had something to lose and it scared him shitless.

Despite Sasuke's profile (thick and red-flagged), Kakashi was still surprised (_disappointed_) when Sasuke defected. In his mind's eye Sasuke was his soldier. His protégé. Rational, mature, cool-headed on the field. He thought (_hoped_) that with his guidance Sasuke could overcome his past and Kakashi, in his wishfulness, missed what was under the underneath.

Underneath was a child and he was running away from home.

Sasuke was frightened of love, terrified of bonds. He had lost everything once and the Akasuki's activity was a jolting reminder that he could lose it all again.

_'Hate and detest and live in an unsightly manner,'_

Itachi had said just after he had taken everything away and again just before he made Sasuke relive it in his mind. And Sasuke listens to that person whom he loves and hates the most as if under a spell, clinging desperately to the words like a child to an abusive parent.

So he hates and he hates and he repels relationships like flesh from fire-licked metal because it's the only way he knows how to survive. It was not in a fit of immature jealousy or arrogance that he challenged Naruto to a duel, spat harsh words at Sakura, and showed open disdain for his sensei. Sasuke knew exactly what he was doing: You antagonize others when you want them to keep their distance.

And when the Sound five presented themselves, it gave him the perfect alibi. He convinced himself that he was running to the Sound. It would have been just as true to say he was running from Konoha. The Sound was safe with its bowels gargling in distrust and selfishness. Konoha was infinitely more perilous. Those closest to you can hurt you most, after all.

So he broods in the dark, and bleeds his closest friend with hot metal and even sharper words, and is cruel and unsightly until his bruised heart cries and threatens to burst from hurt and heavy burden. And he steps steadfastly through the thrumming of the storm and into the jaws of the Sound. For power, for focus, for _vengeance_, he convinces everyone, even himself.

No one really knows Sasuke, least of all himself.

He turns his back on Konoha, because more than _that _man, more than anything, Sasuke hates being the one left behind.

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**Author's Note: **Mmm...I guess this is somewhat of a cousin to _For He Who Grants Me Life. _Proofread, but not beta'd I'm afraid. Please let me know if there are awkward sentences or egregious errors. I'm also not sure about the title. Thoughts?


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